he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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