I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
