did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
