stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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