I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Your cock deserves a montage
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize