I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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