2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
