There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
