i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
