Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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