She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can't put those talents on a resume
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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