I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
