So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize