dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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