I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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