Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
