i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
