Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
