My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he shaved USA in his pubs
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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