I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
