I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
