I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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