My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
