I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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