So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize