At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
