new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
