you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize