then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
