my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
