Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize