My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
