I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
