Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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