Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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