Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
