Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
