if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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