go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
