I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
