If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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