When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
