what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
