I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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