I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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