what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
