happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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