This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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