I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
