my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
this hospital has no fireball
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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