Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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