what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
