Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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