Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
