He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
