Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
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